The problem with being considerate

This morning God really sent me a wake up call.  My father had a health procedure done today.  I am not going to lie, I was and am still afraid. He is more then just my father, he is my daddy. He has always been my "problem fixer."  I love him more then I show him, which is sad.  But the real tragedy is that I claim to be a follower of Christ, and I have had no more then a few conversations with my father about Jesus.  This fact has hit me hard, I can tell you my heart is in my stomach right now.  I am nauseous over my narcissism.  You see I have used excuses like, they will see the difference in me or that its not worth risking being uncomfortable or worse what if I isolate myself because I'm seen as to weird. I have been to self-adsorbed, to worried about what the world thinks, to consumed with my own issues to truly respond to the mission at hand.

Today my merciful Heavenly Father gave me a glimpse of what real love means.  He reminded me of what is at stake for all of the people I love who do not know Christ. He showed me how I have wasted my time and energy and the immense cost of it. Hell is real, eternal damnation is a reality yet I live like its just a far off place that will never affect me. You see I claim to be a Christian, I claim to love Christ.  Unfortnatly claiming is not enough.  God is showing me how cheap my love is for Him and my earthly father.  If I truly loved Christ He would fill my conversations, His aroma would be evident in each step I take.  On the flip side if I truly loved my earthly father I would relentlessly show him how much Christ loves him. How much he cost to buy back from death. Now I know I cannot save my father but saying nothing speaks volumes as well.

My challenge to myself as well as anyone who reads this blog, is this: Evaluate your life see if it measures up to the Godly version of love, is it filled with urgency and purpose or is it a matter of days strung together filled with considerate conversations?

What is your ailment? The Bent over women part 2

you can read the first blog post about the bent over women here:

http://walkingtowardsthecross.blogspot.com/2011/12/bent-over-women.html

Just as the women who couldn't stand up straight, we all have our own ailments that keep us from straightening up and battles that steal our hope from us.  What is yours? Is it a physical wound that keeps you in so much physical pain that some days its just to much to bare? Is it an emotional battle with depression or some other mental illness that robes you of the true joy each day brings? Is it a spiritual doubt that battles deep within your soul that wages between good and evil?

All of these ailments can "bend" us over. Just like the women in Luke, we too can be plagued by Satan and not be able to stand up straight.  We too can be with out hope and all of these ailments are true battles.  All of these wars are a product of a fallen world, they are not the life that our Father wanted for us.

I have struggled with a soul wrenching emotional battle for all long as I can remember.  Its exhausting to fight and impossible to win within my own strength.  Although at times depression takes over me, I have become convicted by the Holy Spirit that wanting people to notice my ailment and touch me or rather bring me hope is nothing but foolish pride on my part.  It is not wrong for me to want others to help me fight the good fight but it is wrong for me to want others to notice me.  Because at the end of the day my life is not my own.  I have been bought by a price and am yoked to a different Master. His load is light and He is kind and loving. He wishes nothing but freedom for me.  This freedom however is not to be used so that I may gain attention but rather He, Jesus Christ, gain all the Glory and Honor due to Him.  I am reminded of an that song lyric Jesus gave it all, all to Him I owe...

In parting I would like to share a verse given to me by a dear friend and it is one I am going to cling to as a battle being bent over
"For the weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world, on the contrary they have divine power to demolish strongholds (things that bend us over).  We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God and we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ."  2 Corinthians 2: 4 & 5

The bent over women...

‘Now he was teaching in one of the synagogues on the Sabbath. And just then there appeared a woman with a spirit that had crippled her for eighteen years. She was bent over and was quite unable to stand up straight.

When Jesus saw her, he called her over and said “Woman, you are set free from your ailment”. When he laid his hands on her, immediately she stood up straight and began praising God.  

(Read Luke 13:10-17)         

This is a passage that I have been reading and meditating on for quite sometime.  The physical aliment of this women was life debilitating. She could not look up. Could you imagine not being able to see people's smiling faces or the beautiful sky? Could you imagine living a life where you only saw peoples feet and the dirt of the ground?  What a tragic life, for 18 years Satan had robed  joy from her and replaced it with pain and anguish. I can also assume that the people shunned her, that she was unwanted wherever she went.  She was a castaway, seen as cursed and one not to be associated with.   She was with out hope until one day she saw Jesus! What a glorious day that was!

An important part of the ministry of Jesus was that of healing.  He gave people who where disabled physically, mentally and emotionally a way.  This story of the crippled woman deals with physical healing, but it has a larger dimension.  Her twisted body, permanently bent downwards, was a symbol of those who lost hope. This story is illustrating that with Jesus's help we can raise ourselves so that our vision is upwards to God.  

I have been meditating on this passage for over a month now and I have finally realized that this passage has great meaning for the followers of Christ as well.  We the Body of Christ are privileged enough to be His hands and feet! We are blessed enough to be a part of His mission.   As Christ followers we have an awesome responsibility to bring hope to the hopeless, to bring relationships to the lonely, to touch the untouchable. To be encourages to others even when its uncomfortable or worse inconvenient.  Jesus's ministry was relational, it was close and personal.  He got in peoples faces, and He reached down to their level. I can't remember who said this but I once heard that the difference between pity and compassion was a person feeling pity would feel sorry for the person in the mud pit and a person who felt compassion would climb down in the mud with them.  Do you think Jesus got muddy during His time on earth? I sure do. And my prayer is that when I leave this earth I am beaten, bruised and as muddied up as possible.  We are called to be close and personal.  And that my friends is hard.  

                                                 

In honor of shark week

This week has been an extremely hard week for me. It has had its share of victories, but it has had far more defeats.  I have struggled with several past demons that have reared their ugly heads.  I hate when these unwelcome house guests come to visit.  I can feel them coming, and it's terrifying. It's like in a Jaws movie...the music always alerts you to the shark's presence.  I can hear the "na-na-na" sound from a mile away. These guests are like sharks.  They circle me for quite a while, torturing me with lies before they decide to attack.  Once they decide to sink their iron jaws into me, they thrash viciously.  They twist the Truth that I know into lies that I begin to embody.  It's a devastating feeling, drowning in hopelessness.  It's hard to know what the Light feels like and then to feel as though you are left in complete darkness. 

I am learning that even when I feel forsaken, I am never forsaken.  When I feel unloved, I am dearly loved.  When I feel like I am worthless, I am worthy enough to hang on a cross for.  God is continually reminding me that I am His. He loves me no matter how many times I fail Him, no matter how much I can't keep it together, no matter how messy my house is, or how much TV my kids watch.

An amazing Truth God has placed on my heart today is that I was never good enough, but Jesus was. God's perfect love for the Son is, by default, transferred to me.  Jesus took my place, so that I could be clothed in His righteousness. His perfection.  I know this is basic but it so powerful. It is so amazing.

The Truth is that no matter what plans these demons have for me, the God of the Universe is for me, so who can be against me. I don't know why this struggle is one that is never fully defeated, only subdued. Perhaps this my thorn.  I am not proud of it, nor do I revel in where it takes me.  I hate what it does to my family when I succumb to these lies.  However, I take heart that God is using these battles to conform me to His perfect image.  I know that my Savior would not allow me to suffer in vain and so I persevere by the grace and love of God.

He makes everything new!

Hallelujah! God really does make everything new (Rev 21:5)! I love how when I am seeking His face, He shows me not only the things that need to be eliminated from my life (previous post) but the picture of how far I have come since the day of my salvation.  I am in awe of the process of sanctification. His hands are slowly molding me into His image and quite frankly it’s pretty awesome!

For years, off and on, I have struggled with whether or not there has been a noticeable change in my life. With whether or not people could tell that I was my Father's daughter and not born of this world.  I know that for the most part it is an attack by Satan, because if he can deter my focus from God and place it on myself then my walk becomes useless.  I become so self focused that I lose my God focus.  Yesterday was most certainly a me focused day and as a result it was not a good day for me.  I blame yesterday on my emotions, which as we all know will lie to me whenever given free rain. I made the mistake of not testing my emotions with what I know the Truth to be. 

In His grace and mercy He gave me three things to pull me out of my own pit.  First, He gave me a wonderful husband who rode in like a white knight and took the physical demands of the household off of my shoulders. He cooked dinner, cleaned house, and kept children! Second, He gave me a faithful friend who was willing to talk me out of my sweats and into a hard four mile run with her (although, the four miles might not have been her idea!). Third, He gave me a clear indication I was not my old self, that I was a new creation and it was obvious to the outside world.  This indication came in the form of a face book post. A high school friend posted something like this on face book (note I have changed names, because I do not want to embarrass anyone and because I know they had no ill intentions, I still love you friends):

"Becky and I discussing a former friend who is now a crazy Christian:
Me: God, didn't she wanna be a doctor? I wonder if she still believes in evolution.
Dina: I'm sure if you even showed her a picture of a monkey now she would throw up."

At first glance one might be offended or angry, but not me. I was thankful, this was the conformation I needed and I needed it yesterday more then ever.  How amazingly perfect God's timing is.  He uses EVERYTHING for His good. Now I'm not implying that yesterday He stopped the world and focused on me, but He did make sure that His child knew that she was loved, treasured and most of all changed!  God shows up everyday for His children, sometimes it’s obvious, most times though it’s in the small stuff.  We all just need to be willing to take the focus off of ourselves and look for God in everything, even face book posts!

Be careful what you pray for!

Be careful what you pray for, it just might come true! This week I have been praying that God would open my eyes to the hidden sin in my life.  I have prayed that God would make me a person He could use.  I have prayed that he would empty me of me and fill me with Himself.  I want so badly to be a beacon of His light in this dark world. These were earnest, heartfelt prayers but I had no idea what I was asking because, I'll tell you what, He has answered in a way only He could.  It has been a painful, emotional, and exhilarating week.  God revealed that I have become so much apart of this world that I no longer grieve my sins and that I have held on to anger so tightly that it has bared the rancid fruit of bitterness in my soul.
To see how friendly I had become with the world over the last few months was heartbreaking.  To see how easy and gradual the decline is to such a friendship, terrifying.  To see the reflection of friendship with the world in the mirror, devastating.  It is void of any hope or true joy.  It is lonely and self seeking.  Ultimately, it is a deathly image because our God is not a God of grayness.  He is black and white.  God is very clear in His Word:

"You adulterers! Don't you realize that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God? I say it again: If you want to be a friend of the world, you make yourself an enemy of God"-James 4:4

You are an enemy of God if you are a friend to the world. I had become an enemy of God, and that brought me to my knees.  I was as broken as I have ever been (although I am hesitant to say that because God has a way of breaking me further each time i feel that way). 

Thankfully, I know that God answers prayers (Matthew 7:7,21:22, Hebrews 4:16).  I can stand on the promise that God hears my petitions and will answer.  In this case, He used several people and I am eternally thankful for each one of them. They each were given words by God to bind my open wounds, to let me know that my God has not forsaken me in my darkness. He still loves me. But the most amazing experience of all was the heavens opened up and like the song says, "grace like rain poured down on me, and all my stains were washed away."  I was completely and totally soaked in His forgiving and loving grace.  It has been months since I felt that amazing peace. It was worth every trip through the desert and every painful revelation.  I know that God is ridding me out of myself so that I may be filled with more of Him.  How could I resent Him for that? After all, I was the one who asked for it! I love how God will give us what we want when it is in accordance with His perfect will...even when we don't fully understand what we are asking for.

Running

So I have started running again, not so sure why.  Could be that I am clinically insane, strong possibility, or it could be that I really want something that is all mine.  I'm shooting for the latter reason.  That reason seems noble enough, I mean every time you pick up a "mommy manual" it tells you to find some "you time" or take up an activity that is for "you." 

I would guess that running is for me. Don't get me wrong I need the exercise and it does make me a much better mom but and its a huge BUT; what if doing something for me or allowing myself to have something that is just mine takes away from what He wants for me.  This is where last nights run comes in the picture. It was to be an easy flat 30 minute run.  I feel like I am at the point in my running venture that this should be as Brooklyn would say "easy peasy". It was not.  By far this was one of the worst runs I have had in my short lived 3 weeks of running. Every step was labored and every second was agonizing. 

I started running so that I could have some time to myself, accomplish something and honestly get a runners body (who can blame me, right?!). However, I was reminded about what the Bible says about vain ambitions (Philippians 2:3). God so very graciously reminded me through my heavy breathing that He controls my very breath. He controls every aching muscle in my aging body and quite frankly if I wanted to be able to finish this run I would need more then myself to do it.  The problem however is that my walk with Christ the past few months has been shallow at best and non-existed at worst. I have a continuous struggle with all or nothing in almost every part of my life, and unfortunately this does not exclude my walk with Christ.  I struggle with consistency in my walk, I am either full force swimming with Christ feasting on His Word or I am struggling to digest pre-fed bits of Word from devotionals.  I wish I was not this way and have been praying all day for a more disciplined life.

I hate being out of step with my savior. I hate how it affects my relationship with my husband, kids, friends, strangers but most of all with Him.  When the intimacy is gone, when the Light is dim I am faced with a reflection of myself and its an ugly picture.  Without Christ, I am a hideous. I terrify myself.  The beauty of Christ is that He illuminates you with Himself, He restores you to what you where meant to be. When you see Him in somehow its unforgettable.  I miss that. I want that again, believe it or not I want it more then I want runners legs!  And that is why I run. 

God is so good, I have spent the last day agonizing over why I am running and whether or not it was right to continue.  Altough at first my reasons where superficial they are now supernatural. I believe at this point in my life as a mother of three four and under, God wants me to pound the pavement so that I can hear Him again.  So that I have to reach beyond myself and look up for strength.  Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm crazy, heck maybe I'm dehydrated but still I will run. I will run so that I can hear Him again. 

My honest prayer

Dear God,

I'm tired, so very tired.  Not the kind of tired that will go away with a good night sleep.  My soul is so exhausted. It is aching in a way that I cannot describe. I know this is not how it is suppose to be but here I am worn flat out.  Right now all I can do is hold on to the truths that You have so graciously planted in my soul.  I am so thankful that You will never leave me or forsake me in my weakness.  I know that You have water that will allow me never to thirst (John 4:14 - but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst).  Lord, you have told me to taste and see You God are good (Psalm 34:8) and that blessed is the one who takes refuge in You (Psalm 34:8).  Help me Lord to take refuge in You Lord and only You.  For my heart wonders so far so quickly.  You have challenged me to tear down my high places in order that I may see you more clearly. Help me Lord.  Help me to seek you when I am sad, disappointed, hurt, lonely, and angry.  Help me to stay on Your narrow path. 

In Jesus name,

Amen

Who's Will?

So as I struggled through my horrible attitude the other day, and I do mean horrible! God whispered something so simple yet so profound I had to share it with everyone (well the two people who read my blog--my mom and my hubby!).  He asked me a very simple question Who's will do you want for your life? I stopped and very quickly responded "your's of course" in the best Southern Baptist voice I could muster...and then like a curtain closing,  conviction consumed my heart, and God asked again, Really Rachel, do you really want MY will?  Of course God knew the deep dark ugly truth to this answer. I ultimately want my will and even worse God revealed that I want my will to be orchestrated by Him and then I want an Almighty God to pretend that it was His will (Does that even make sense?).

In all honestly I don't want to have to think about how hard God's will may be. What sacrifices of the flesh I may have to make along the way. My selfish heart shutters at the inconveniences that may occur in my life to follow His plan. However, an important aspect of being a follower of Christ is the death to self, more specifically the death to one's own will.  In essence my life is not my own anymore. This is an essential part of being a Christian, and sometimes it gets glossed over when one is being witnessed to.  I guess it would not make for a popular track to hand to people.

God's Word though is very clear on this matter in Matthew 16:24-25:
“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.”
In John 12:24-25 "Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. Those who love their life will lose it, while those who hate their life in this world will keep it for eternal life."

When we become part of the body of Christ we must be willing to put aside our own selfish ambitions and be part of the corporate plan of God.  We must be willing to die to the passions of the flesh that are of this world. We must be willing to live lives set apart from our current society.  Ultimately, we must hold loosely our earthly treasures so that one day we will have heavenly crowns. The beauty of the cross is that through Jesus's blood we are able to give up our lives in order to save them.  That old rugged cross allows us to  have communion with a Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, and Everlasting Father (Isaiah 9:6).  And it is for Calvary that I strive to die each day in order that I may truly live.

2 Corinthians 12:10

That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:10

This verse has been popping up everywhere today, and I mean everywhere.  I get in the car to go to Wally World and there it is on the radio, a dear friend mentions it, then I head to a birthday party and again it's on the radio. So I figure God is trying to speak to me (I may be dense!).  I come home and open my Bible and pray that God will help me understand what He wants me to learn...and boy does He show up!

The question God put on my heart was this: What do you delight in? WOW! Way to wake me up Lord. I don't delight in what you want me to, because according to Your Word I need to be delighting in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, AND in difficulties!  Honestly, that is completely opposite of what I want to delight in.  I want to delight in my successes, my ego and every once in a while a chocolate cake (just being honest).

He proceeds to go over the past couple weeks of when I have been weak, insulted by others,and walked through difficult circumstances.  He shows me the opportunities He has given me to delight in and missed out.  Then in His awesome grace He whispers softly the real reason He wants me to delight in these situations: Rachel, I love you and I want you to experience my strength.  I want you to know what true strength looks like. Holy smokes! You, the God of the universe, love me enough to want me to change my attitude toward these situations for my own good ultimately so that you may be made known through me to others. Now that is one AWESOME GOD!

Do you know Him? Do you have an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, King of Kings and Lord of Lords?  If you have not accepted Christ as your savior and would like to please consider so today. If you would like to receive the gift of eternal life through Jesus Christ you can tell God in prayer: For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved (Romans 10:10, 13)
If you want to receive this gift of eternal life through Jesus Christ, then pray to Him asking Him for this gift right now.
Here is a suggested prayer:
”Jesus Christ, I know that I am sinful and do not deserve eternal life. I believe that You died and rose from the grave to purchase a place in Heaven for me. Lord, come into my heart. Take control of my life. Forgive my sins. I confess them and now place my trust in You for salvation. I accept your free gift of eternal life, and thank You for it.”

"I Don't Want To"

"I don't want to"—unfortunately this phrase encompasses my Christian walk right now.
Lord, I don't want to rejoice in this situation, I don't want to be obedient to your commands, I don't want to put others before myself, and most of all I don't want to have to show love to people.  Don’t you know I am hurting and tired (listen to the pride and selfishness in my feelings)?  All of these feelings or thoughts pretty much equal an adult sized tantrum, and I fear I have been having a few to many of them lately.  But God in His ultimate wisdom leads me to 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18:
 
“Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. (I Thessalonians 5: 16-18)”

With this one verse I am reminded of the simple yet tough commands of Christ.  I am reminded of why Christ has challenged me to get my head out of the intense flowerbed debates (TULIPS VS ROSES etc) and back to Christian basics. To realize that until I have the basics down, the "deeper" theological truths just aren't as imperative.

So I decided to break this verse down with God.  It went something like this: God do you really mean I need to rejoice in everything, even when life is hard...YES everything, especially when life is hard, how else are you to be set apart from the world. God do you really want me to get serious about my prayer life (I mean praying without ceasing is pretty serious)...YES, I your God have already defeated this world but you are powerless without prayer.   God, isn’t rejoicing sometimes enough? I mean that’s a pretty tall order to fill…Nope, I want you to be thankful so that your heart will continue to rejoice. And that is when it hit me, God’s commands are not a laundry list of behaviorally conditions so that He will show me favor. They are loving instructions to keep me on the narrow path.  What it all boils down to is that God is a loving God.  He wants me to follow His ways because even though they are hard and uncomfortable they are better. They are for my good and for His Glory.  These three simply put commands: to rejoice always, pray without ceasing and in everything give thanks are ultimately God’s will for us in Christ Jesus. 

"Others"

So as I was mowing our yard today God brought up some words that a dear friend had said to me "they are just people."  In context she was reminding me to not be so critical of others.  You see I tend to hold "others" to a standard only Jesus Himself could meet.  So if you aren't healing the lame, multipling fish, or casting out deamons there is a good chance I have judged you. Let me just go a head and apologize for that.

My attitude towards "others"is something I don't like to deal with. It's a continuous struggle that keeps rearing its ugly head. I want so badly to paint a picture of Christ's unfailing love and mercy unfortnatly, I tend to us a brush dipped in judgement and a canvas covered in condemnation.

God has used my friends words not to condemn me but to refine me. To mold me into a person who freely doles grace, forgiveness and mercy out.  Also though to remind me that I am a new creation in His eyes and I no longer have to live this life as the world lives it.