Jesus Walks

           This post will reveal a bit of an embarrassing fact about me...here I go...I like to run to Kayne West...there I said it! Be sure to sneer just a bit next time you see me, I deserve it.  My favorite song of his is "Jesus walks"...it does have a redeeming message even though it is full of inappropriate language. The other day while running this song came on my IPOD and frankly I was hit with one of his lyrics and it has reverberated through my soul all week: 
           " I want to talk to God but I'm afraid because we ain't spoke in so long."

I struggle will coming to the throne after being away, I struggle with condemnation, shame and frankly awkwardness.  I guess the best way for me to describe it is calling up a long lost friend who you have wronged in the worst way and wanting to talk to them.  How do you do this? How do I, dust (thankfully God knows my frame, He knows I am merely dust) come before my creator and talk to Him? Especially when you spent the entire summer ignoring his loving nudges to come back?  My Father was only able to get my attention when I was speeding down I59 with my child convulsing in the back seat! All I could think in that moment with Madelyn shaking in my husbands arms was...I am listening God, I promise! Who am I to return to him? And yet how great is He that He wants me back?!!!

The Shame Game

Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalm 34:5

Those who know me know that I am for the most part a transparent person.  I do not like pretending nor am I able to hide my emotions very well.  As Believers we are created to be clear and openly share our struggles with our brothers and sisters, unfortunately; this does not mean it is easy to do.  My problem is not the allowing myself to be transparent to others, my struggle is more so with the aftermath, the shame of airing my dirty laundry.  This of course is silly and logically I know that but I struggle emotionally with the cloak of shame that enviably lands on me after sharing my struggles with others.   I was starting to feel the weight of that cloak descending on me when God in His awesome unending grace gave me this verse this morning.  When I cast my gaze on our radiant Father and Savior my face will never be covered in shame.  His glorious light does not allow any room for the darkness of shame! THANK YOU JESUS!!!

Backsliding

But know this: Difficult times will come in the last days. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, without love for what is good, traitors, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to the form of godliness but denying its power. Avoid these people!  2 Timothy 3: 1-5

                This summer I was what Southern Baptist’s lovingly call a “Backsliding Baptist”; which is a cute way to say that I fell into love with the world and lost my sight of my precious Savior.  It is a dreadful matter that no cute saying can really grasp or truly describe. It’s such a slow process in the beginning; it goes unnoticed if you are not careful.  For me it started with thoughts; unholy, selfish and prideful thoughts.  These thoughts that I presumed where safe in my brain branched off and took root in my heart.  The resentment and feelings of self-entitlement grew in my soul like kudzu on an abandoned Alabama highway. Sooner than I ever thought possible I had turned into a monster (because let’s face it the only good in me is Jesus so when I am without Him…I am a monster).   

However, my sweet precious Savior loves me too much to allow me to stray too far. He took my heart of stone and softened it with this verse.  I mean it was a huge slap in the face, no anvil to the heart.  As the man on the radio read this verse it was as if he was describing who I was at that moment! I was in a place that I surely loved myself and money more the Christ.  I had become boastful, proud and sadly even a blasphemer.  I am so ashamed now of how I acted but this summer when someone asked me about my religious views I decided not  to answer, I was so clouded by anger, pain and resentment that I did not want to associate myself with Jesus.  I would actually cringe in church and at the mention of his name! (I know it was bad, trust me I know I was there!)

I was certainly ungrateful; for my kids’ health(which I am much more grateful for now), my marriage, my house…and the list goes on and on.  I was a child, wanting and expecting everything to be about me.  It goes without saying that I was unholy and unloving.  And self-control has never been my strength so when Christ isn’t driving many idols became my gods…food, alcohol, school…really anything that can numb my pain and try unsuccessfully to fill the God shape hole in my heart. 

I am not claiming to be perfect right now, I am far from it!!!(in fact I just raised my voice at my kids and ate a huge chocolate bar =/) However, I am screaming from the mountain tops that I am perfectly loved and forgiven! And none of it is by my doing!  I am redeemed…I am a work in progress…and I love my sweet Jesus!  Also, I am so very thankful to have people in my life who are patient and kind and willing to stick with this wretch of a sinner! (I am talking about you dear hubby, Lisa Watwood and my dear church family Argo Christian Fellowship) Words will never express my true gratitude.  

In closing I would like to leave a verse from The Message that really hit home for me today

Friends when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner. 1 Peter 4: 12-13