Running

So I have started running again, not so sure why.  Could be that I am clinically insane, strong possibility, or it could be that I really want something that is all mine.  I'm shooting for the latter reason.  That reason seems noble enough, I mean every time you pick up a "mommy manual" it tells you to find some "you time" or take up an activity that is for "you." 

I would guess that running is for me. Don't get me wrong I need the exercise and it does make me a much better mom but and its a huge BUT; what if doing something for me or allowing myself to have something that is just mine takes away from what He wants for me.  This is where last nights run comes in the picture. It was to be an easy flat 30 minute run.  I feel like I am at the point in my running venture that this should be as Brooklyn would say "easy peasy". It was not.  By far this was one of the worst runs I have had in my short lived 3 weeks of running. Every step was labored and every second was agonizing. 

I started running so that I could have some time to myself, accomplish something and honestly get a runners body (who can blame me, right?!). However, I was reminded about what the Bible says about vain ambitions (Philippians 2:3). God so very graciously reminded me through my heavy breathing that He controls my very breath. He controls every aching muscle in my aging body and quite frankly if I wanted to be able to finish this run I would need more then myself to do it.  The problem however is that my walk with Christ the past few months has been shallow at best and non-existed at worst. I have a continuous struggle with all or nothing in almost every part of my life, and unfortunately this does not exclude my walk with Christ.  I struggle with consistency in my walk, I am either full force swimming with Christ feasting on His Word or I am struggling to digest pre-fed bits of Word from devotionals.  I wish I was not this way and have been praying all day for a more disciplined life.

I hate being out of step with my savior. I hate how it affects my relationship with my husband, kids, friends, strangers but most of all with Him.  When the intimacy is gone, when the Light is dim I am faced with a reflection of myself and its an ugly picture.  Without Christ, I am a hideous. I terrify myself.  The beauty of Christ is that He illuminates you with Himself, He restores you to what you where meant to be. When you see Him in somehow its unforgettable.  I miss that. I want that again, believe it or not I want it more then I want runners legs!  And that is why I run. 

God is so good, I have spent the last day agonizing over why I am running and whether or not it was right to continue.  Altough at first my reasons where superficial they are now supernatural. I believe at this point in my life as a mother of three four and under, God wants me to pound the pavement so that I can hear Him again.  So that I have to reach beyond myself and look up for strength.  Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm crazy, heck maybe I'm dehydrated but still I will run. I will run so that I can hear Him again.