He makes everything new!

Hallelujah! God really does make everything new (Rev 21:5)! I love how when I am seeking His face, He shows me not only the things that need to be eliminated from my life (previous post) but the picture of how far I have come since the day of my salvation.  I am in awe of the process of sanctification. His hands are slowly molding me into His image and quite frankly it’s pretty awesome!

For years, off and on, I have struggled with whether or not there has been a noticeable change in my life. With whether or not people could tell that I was my Father's daughter and not born of this world.  I know that for the most part it is an attack by Satan, because if he can deter my focus from God and place it on myself then my walk becomes useless.  I become so self focused that I lose my God focus.  Yesterday was most certainly a me focused day and as a result it was not a good day for me.  I blame yesterday on my emotions, which as we all know will lie to me whenever given free rain. I made the mistake of not testing my emotions with what I know the Truth to be. 

In His grace and mercy He gave me three things to pull me out of my own pit.  First, He gave me a wonderful husband who rode in like a white knight and took the physical demands of the household off of my shoulders. He cooked dinner, cleaned house, and kept children! Second, He gave me a faithful friend who was willing to talk me out of my sweats and into a hard four mile run with her (although, the four miles might not have been her idea!). Third, He gave me a clear indication I was not my old self, that I was a new creation and it was obvious to the outside world.  This indication came in the form of a face book post. A high school friend posted something like this on face book (note I have changed names, because I do not want to embarrass anyone and because I know they had no ill intentions, I still love you friends):

"Becky and I discussing a former friend who is now a crazy Christian:
Me: God, didn't she wanna be a doctor? I wonder if she still believes in evolution.
Dina: I'm sure if you even showed her a picture of a monkey now she would throw up."

At first glance one might be offended or angry, but not me. I was thankful, this was the conformation I needed and I needed it yesterday more then ever.  How amazingly perfect God's timing is.  He uses EVERYTHING for His good. Now I'm not implying that yesterday He stopped the world and focused on me, but He did make sure that His child knew that she was loved, treasured and most of all changed!  God shows up everyday for His children, sometimes it’s obvious, most times though it’s in the small stuff.  We all just need to be willing to take the focus off of ourselves and look for God in everything, even face book posts!

Be careful what you pray for!

Be careful what you pray for, it just might come true! This week I have been praying that God would open my eyes to the hidden sin in my life.  I have prayed that God would make me a person He could use.  I have prayed that he would empty me of me and fill me with Himself.  I want so badly to be a beacon of His light in this dark world. These were earnest, heartfelt prayers but I had no idea what I was asking because, I'll tell you what, He has answered in a way only He could.  It has been a painful, emotional, and exhilarating week.  God revealed that I have become so much apart of this world that I no longer grieve my sins and that I have held on to anger so tightly that it has bared the rancid fruit of bitterness in my soul.
To see how friendly I had become with the world over the last few months was heartbreaking.  To see how easy and gradual the decline is to such a friendship, terrifying.  To see the reflection of friendship with the world in the mirror, devastating.  It is void of any hope or true joy.  It is lonely and self seeking.  Ultimately, it is a deathly image because our God is not a God of grayness.  He is black and white.  God is very clear in His Word:

"You adulterers! Don't you realize that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God? I say it again: If you want to be a friend of the world, you make yourself an enemy of God"-James 4:4

You are an enemy of God if you are a friend to the world. I had become an enemy of God, and that brought me to my knees.  I was as broken as I have ever been (although I am hesitant to say that because God has a way of breaking me further each time i feel that way). 

Thankfully, I know that God answers prayers (Matthew 7:7,21:22, Hebrews 4:16).  I can stand on the promise that God hears my petitions and will answer.  In this case, He used several people and I am eternally thankful for each one of them. They each were given words by God to bind my open wounds, to let me know that my God has not forsaken me in my darkness. He still loves me. But the most amazing experience of all was the heavens opened up and like the song says, "grace like rain poured down on me, and all my stains were washed away."  I was completely and totally soaked in His forgiving and loving grace.  It has been months since I felt that amazing peace. It was worth every trip through the desert and every painful revelation.  I know that God is ridding me out of myself so that I may be filled with more of Him.  How could I resent Him for that? After all, I was the one who asked for it! I love how God will give us what we want when it is in accordance with His perfect will...even when we don't fully understand what we are asking for.

Running

So I have started running again, not so sure why.  Could be that I am clinically insane, strong possibility, or it could be that I really want something that is all mine.  I'm shooting for the latter reason.  That reason seems noble enough, I mean every time you pick up a "mommy manual" it tells you to find some "you time" or take up an activity that is for "you." 

I would guess that running is for me. Don't get me wrong I need the exercise and it does make me a much better mom but and its a huge BUT; what if doing something for me or allowing myself to have something that is just mine takes away from what He wants for me.  This is where last nights run comes in the picture. It was to be an easy flat 30 minute run.  I feel like I am at the point in my running venture that this should be as Brooklyn would say "easy peasy". It was not.  By far this was one of the worst runs I have had in my short lived 3 weeks of running. Every step was labored and every second was agonizing. 

I started running so that I could have some time to myself, accomplish something and honestly get a runners body (who can blame me, right?!). However, I was reminded about what the Bible says about vain ambitions (Philippians 2:3). God so very graciously reminded me through my heavy breathing that He controls my very breath. He controls every aching muscle in my aging body and quite frankly if I wanted to be able to finish this run I would need more then myself to do it.  The problem however is that my walk with Christ the past few months has been shallow at best and non-existed at worst. I have a continuous struggle with all or nothing in almost every part of my life, and unfortunately this does not exclude my walk with Christ.  I struggle with consistency in my walk, I am either full force swimming with Christ feasting on His Word or I am struggling to digest pre-fed bits of Word from devotionals.  I wish I was not this way and have been praying all day for a more disciplined life.

I hate being out of step with my savior. I hate how it affects my relationship with my husband, kids, friends, strangers but most of all with Him.  When the intimacy is gone, when the Light is dim I am faced with a reflection of myself and its an ugly picture.  Without Christ, I am a hideous. I terrify myself.  The beauty of Christ is that He illuminates you with Himself, He restores you to what you where meant to be. When you see Him in somehow its unforgettable.  I miss that. I want that again, believe it or not I want it more then I want runners legs!  And that is why I run. 

God is so good, I have spent the last day agonizing over why I am running and whether or not it was right to continue.  Altough at first my reasons where superficial they are now supernatural. I believe at this point in my life as a mother of three four and under, God wants me to pound the pavement so that I can hear Him again.  So that I have to reach beyond myself and look up for strength.  Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm crazy, heck maybe I'm dehydrated but still I will run. I will run so that I can hear Him again.