This week has been an extremely hard week for me. It has had its share of victories, but it has had far more defeats. I have struggled with several past demons that have reared their ugly heads. I hate when these unwelcome house guests come to visit. I can feel them coming, and it's terrifying. It's like in a Jaws movie...the music always alerts you to the shark's presence. I can hear the "na-na-na" sound from a mile away. These guests are like sharks. They circle me for quite a while, torturing me with lies before they decide to attack. Once they decide to sink their iron jaws into me, they thrash viciously. They twist the Truth that I know into lies that I begin to embody. It's a devastating feeling, drowning in hopelessness. It's hard to know what the Light feels like and then to feel as though you are left in complete darkness.
I am learning that even when I feel forsaken, I am never forsaken. When I feel unloved, I am dearly loved. When I feel like I am worthless, I am worthy enough to hang on a cross for. God is continually reminding me that I am His. He loves me no matter how many times I fail Him, no matter how much I can't keep it together, no matter how messy my house is, or how much TV my kids watch.
An amazing Truth God has placed on my heart today is that I was never good enough, but Jesus was. God's perfect love for the Son is, by default, transferred to me. Jesus took my place, so that I could be clothed in His righteousness. His perfection. I know this is basic but it so powerful. It is so amazing.
The Truth is that no matter what plans these demons have for me, the God of the Universe is for me, so who can be against me. I don't know why this struggle is one that is never fully defeated, only subdued. Perhaps this my thorn. I am not proud of it, nor do I revel in where it takes me. I hate what it does to my family when I succumb to these lies. However, I take heart that God is using these battles to conform me to His perfect image. I know that my Savior would not allow me to suffer in vain and so I persevere by the grace and love of God.
